As of Feb. 5, the Raelians, a group of congenial nutballs convinced we all sprouted from space aliens in some manner, claim they'll have five cloned babies secreted in various spots around the world, including my coat closet.

I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, just as long as I get a written guarantee that NONE of the clones will look like Raelian spokescreature Brigitte Boisselier.

One of the chief complaints against the Raelians, other than that they're as crazy as rats in a coffee can, has been the issue of them "playing god." Now, just exactly which god would that be? Different deities could give very different results.

I could go on and on, of course, but I get enough grouchy mail from pantheists as it is.

I think I'm going to clone myself. I'm as good a candidate as any, if you disregard a weight problem, severe astigmatism, irascible personality and predilection for horrid puns. I've got a box of Mason jars, my old grade-school microscope, and a paint shaker to keep things mixed up. I'm not quite sure of the science, but I figure if I shake a goodly sample of my blood hard enough, the DNA will shake in half and a new little me will start to grow.

Just imagine the applications! Of course, it's all dependent upon the whole nature versus nurture argument being hogwash, as I'm sure my dad won't be willing to raise another me. That'll leave me to raise me, and so far I've proved myself to be profoundly challenged by the act of raising a cat, much less another human being ... especially one as devious and difficult as I was as a kid.

If Brigitte and company can do it, though, I don't see any reason why I can't. Even if it doesn't work, you'll never know. I'll just claim to have spirited Junior off to any one of a number of exotic locales from which he cannot be retrieved.

We've got a couple of reproduction-related items to kick off the news portion of this week's Chronicles. I just hope none of the folks involved have been donating any genetic material to any labs.

Saints Preserve Us!

The clergy discount is a fine old tradition, extended to men of the cloth far and wide especially at restaurants and small mom-and-pop stores. However, a porn shop in Stewartville, Minn., has discovered that its discount plan might not be so well-received.

Parishioners entering and leaving the Midwest Baptist Church in Stewartville are accosted by a two-sided sign. Those approaching the edifice see, "And God said go out into the world and have great sex. God's gift to women. Amen and amen." Those leaving are offered, "No need to mail order. Gay videos in stock. Clergy discount. Have good sex. Hallelujah!"

I'm first in line, generally, when it comes to sticking up for the First Amendment, but the folks at the store are just begging for the townsfolk to find a way to slap 'em down.

McDonald's sales have been falling faster than my 401(k) yields lately. Perhaps they might adopt the same sort of marketing plan as the porn shop, opening up across the street from weight-loss clinics.

When You Care Enough ...

Just to prove there's one greeting card idea that Hallmark hasn't yet tried, we head to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, where a shop owner was given a stern warning by authorities for selling greeting cards with condoms affixed to the covers.

The cards covered a wide range of holidays, including birthdays, Chinese New Year and, of course, Valentine's Day. Buy a box for the office! Guys, give that special lady and everyone else a card they'll certainly remember for a long time.

Remember when you were a kid, and your mom would buy you a big box of cheap valentines to hand out at school? This would be a way to make your own kids stand out from the crowd. Expulsions always make a kid famous. Trust me.

What Happened To 'High On Life'?

In more church-related wackiness, the pastor of Lakeview Baptist Church in Delray Beach, Fla., made an interesting discovery when he was alerted by a parishioner to the presence of someone on the roof. The Rev. Klay Aspinwall climbed onto the roof, where he discovered two full-grown pot plants and an assortment of watering and fertilizing equipment.

Local authorities have set up patrols around the church, but the furtive faithful farmers have yet to put in an appeareance.

When I was a kid, I heard about "holy rollers," but I'm not sure that's exactly what was meant.

It's Class Participation That Counts

A 6-year-old Los Angeles boy landed his parents in a spot of hot water when, according to school authorities, he brought a baggie of pot, a pipe and lighter to school for show and tell.

Apparently, the youngster knew what the items were and what they were used for, and wanted to show his friends.

"We've never had a case like this before," said Patricia Jensen, child welfare coordinator for Morongo Unified School District. "I've never had a ... child in first grade bring marijuana to school before."

I'd recommend maybe changing the district name to get the "Moron" out. It might be confusing and attracting that type of person.

Urban Legend Of The Week

This week's Urban Legend, courtesy of my drinking buddy David Emery over at About.com's Urban Legends site, is one of the cruelest of all. It's yet another e-mail hoax, but this time instead of offering free money or software or dangling some other bauble, it goes straight to our weak spot by offering that most tantalizing of prizes: free beer.

In the most popular version of the hoax, you are actually directed to a site with a long, involved form to fill out. When you finish the form and click "Submit," the screen at left is your reward.

Remember: For every ONE "get free stuff" e-mail that you receive that's for real, you'll receive 10,000 that aren't. It's just not worth your time to chase them down!

Got a comment, question, alien rummaging through your garden? Drop me a line, anytime!